The Four Loko STD Kit is the Ultimate Post-Pandemic Summer Accessory

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Listen, I get it. Everyone is getting waxed and vaxed, and, apparently, some of you are even dressing like Richard Gere or—shudder—Billy Crystal circa 1990 at the ultimate Spago throwdown, pleats and all. You’ve emerged from your quarantine cocoon, possibly more awkward than ever, but also thirsty. So very thirsty.

So, cop a squat over here, young and/or older person. Before we do anything rash, let’s rap a little.

Have you heard of the Four Loko STD Kit?

Now, before you stop me, I get it. I know what you’re saying—that won’t happen to me. Not me. Not today. But, you’ve been sequestered to your studio apartment watching an endless loop of NOPE IT’S CAKE videos, and You’re Randy-ier than a Quaid National Lampoon's Vacation cameo.

Now, I know you kids and/or old folks love the Four Loko, and they want to make sure that, this summer, you party safely. That’s why they’ve started this contest giving away 250 STD self-tests to just a few of you lucky souls—and, you know, maybe about 200 influencers hawking flat tummy teas, but don’t worry about that. The kits are part of a collaboration with myLAB Box, at an at-home testing brand that offers results in 1-5 days for the usual suspects, minus HIV. Just sign up over at Four Loko’s website, where you’ll likely get added to a mailing list that you’ll inevitably smash that unsubscribe button from.

The malt liquor brand worked with agency Zaddy on the campaign, using some of the best stock photos and VFX money or dogecoin can buy. The result is a Photoshop dream. Slap Four Loko across what appears to be your usual at-home STD Kit, and you’ve got brand synergy, baby. What’s next, Cheetos pregnancy tests? Sriracha Trojans? Sanka menstrual cups? Who knows! It’s a wild world out there right now, and brands want in.

What’s critical here is that we normalize testing, safe sex, and most importantly, Four Loko.

Anyway, thanks for chatting with me. Now get out there, and have some fun. Also, instead of trying to win a contest, you could see your doctor or go to a Planned Parenthood to get tested. Just a thought.